Dealing with sibling rivalry

Sibling rivalry has existed as long as families. It can be caused by birth order positions in the family, sex of the children and age differences. If you think about the conflicts that arise between spouses, friends and other personal relationships, it is no wonder that children with differing personalities and ages would also have conflicts that must be addressed and diffused. Parents have long looked at sibling rivalry and wondered how they can change or end the feuds that can get so easily out of hand.

The causes of sibling rivalry come from a long list of different sources. They are of different ages, temperaments and possibly sex and worst of all to them, they have to share the people that they want most for themselves; their parents.

Age problems mount as positions in the family take shape. Oldest children may be burdened with responsibilities that the younger children don't have yet and younger children may spend a lifetime trying to catch up with an older sibling's accomplishments and privileges.
Sons may hate their sister because their father is gentler with her and mothers may let her help in the kitchen more often. Daughter's may start to have jealousy when their brother's get to play sports or hang out with her dads' guy friends, leaving her home.
Parental attitude may be the most important factor in sibling rivalries. Parents have been taught to be impartial but this can be a difficult task. It's inevitable that parents will feel differently about children with differing needs and personalities and their position in the family. Many parents feel that in order to be fair, they must treat children equally even when one child may need special attention during a specific time. If mom hugs one child, she feels she must stop and hug all her children, and soon that special hug for the first child becomes a somewhat meaningless act of love because all the children shared it equally.
Ever since we decided to recognize sibling rivalry as a normal childhood behavior we have struggled to figure out what to do about it. Here are some suggestions when dealing with a heated rivalry within the family:

• Don't compare. Each child is unique, and being compared to someone else is a way of telling him that his own development isn't as important or as healthy as someone else's. Each child should have his own goals and levels of expectation that are as unique as his personality.


• Don't dismiss resentment or angry feelings. Anger can be a healthy feeling and should not always be suppressed. Its part of being human and it's normal for siblings to get angry with each other. They need adults to assure them that it's ok to be angry, that everyone has those feelings, but that there are healthy ways to control and face that anger that do not involve behaving in cruel or physical ways. Take time to talk about your child's feelings and discuss how to make changes in the future.


• Avoid situations that promote guilt. Teaching children that feelings and actions are not synonymous, we want to make sure that children understand that it may be normal to want to hit someone, but that actually doing it is not acceptable. Parents need to be quick to intervene when children act out in a mean way so their guilt doesn't get the best of them.

Let them settle their differences alone: When possible, let brothers and sisters practice solving their own problems alone. Parents can step in and mediate when needed, but letting children learn how to solve their own problems is a great test of social skill. Do not let contests of unequal's take place without evening out the score. (ie. a 13 year old vs. an 8 year old in a test of intelligence or strength).

How to become life-long friends with your siblings

Parents know that when it comes to raising multiple children, there are personality clashes, ability battles, attention ploys, and multiple battles only to conclude that sibling rivalry is part of family life. The degree of rivalry, along with whether or not it has long term consequences, either positive or negative, depends on how parents handle the situation.

Siblings are forever. As parents we wear many hats yet our communications hat never seems to be taken off. Sometime between ages 6 and 10 it's important to teach children what it means to be a brother or sister and that their sibling are a special support system that will be around as long as they live. Even as friends drift away, grow into different characters, the personalities of siblings will continue to bond together and become healthier and more cohesive as they realize that "blood is thicker than water".
It's not an easy trek. Most children will go through years of rivalry, after the thing that they want more than any other in the world; time with parents. They'll act out in order to get parents to intervene on their behalf, make up injuries that need immediate attention and will have jealous moments with their siblings that will leave your heads spinning, but preparing children early on by spending special time with each of them and catering to their unique personalities will ensure that jealousies will diminish and what is left is a lifelong relationships stronger than any friendship. Some ways to increase the bonds between siblings as they grow up together include:

• Put an older sibling in charge. If you have children several years apart, give the oldest child some responsibility for the younger one every once in a while. This will provide motivation for the older sibling to care and the younger child will sense this support. Even a toddler can help care for a younger sibling with supervision.


• Let a sibling provide comfort. When an injury happens to a child, let another child help attend to the injury. It's hard for children not to have compassion for an injured and crying younger sister and even the injured patient will find it difficult to hate the one that is comforting them in their time of need.


• Let them give emotional support. When one child is physically or emotionally hurt, encourage other children to comfort the injured child to ease the pain. This special form of brotherly or sisterly love helps children play the role of support system long before they understand what it means to support and care for their siblings. As they grow older this type of support system will become commonplace to them.


• Let them teach each other. Encourage your children to teach each other skills that he or she is already proficient at. If you have a great baseball player in the family, have him show his younger brother how to throw and catch a ball. Siblings are a great source of educational assistance when they have already learned about fractions or how to conjugate verbs. As parents, many of us have lost the art of some of the needed knowledge in school, but older children may be able to explain the process easily to a frustrated younger sibling.


• Work together. Assign chores or tasks that require siblings to work in teams. Learning cooperation can be great motivation for siblings with clashing personalities that have a common goal.


• Sharing rooms. This is an age old debate, but most parents who have children who share rooms also see that they are typically more able to play together peacefully during the day as well. This teaches children respect for other's possessions and how to resolve conflicts that can arise in any cohabiting situation.

Families that practice these skills, as well as open and honest communication within the home are more likely to change sibling rivalry into sibling friendship. As with any relationship, nurturing a sibling partnership takes patience, honesty, trust and time. All of which can be taught through healthy home life with parents that are willing to put the effort into providing fair and equal treatment within the family structure.

How to save your marriage before it is too late

All marriages go through periods of insecurity, changes and challenges. It's how you handle each challenge and face each change that decides whether you save your marriage or let it fail. Marriage is a total commitment to the success of a team over individual accomplishment. You must be able to face each challenge as a team from a unified front in order to find the path to happiness. If your marriage is experiencing a difficult time and you're not sure where to turn, here are some suggestions for how to save your marriage before it's too late.

It may be time to speak to a professional. Sometimes an objective source can put things in perspective that may be miscommunication between partners. You may be able to see the source of the problem more easily and focus more on finding a solution. Therapists can also give you advice on how to deal with problems day to day.
Stay solution oriented. All relationships face conflict, but it's not about who "wins" the argument. If you find yourself constantly trying to outdo your partner in an argument, take a step back and think about what you really want from this discussion. Is it about being right, or about solving a common problem?
Sometimes time apart can help you find a new outlook on your marriage. Taking a few days or even just a few hours to think about the goals you have for your relationship and writing them down can be helpful to finding solutions and a positive path for your marriage.
Write a gratitude list. Each day tell your spouse five things you are grateful for. From the tires on your vehicle to the way she comforts you after a hard day at the office, keeping positive thoughts in your head will help you focus on how much good is in your life and how much you have to be thankful for, rather than focusing on negative issues all the time.
Communicate. You don't need anything except some time alone with your spouse to begin building lines of communication. Let your spouse know what you are feeling, and what you need from him/her. Listening, even when you are facing a conflict, tells your spouse that his opinion is important to you and that you are focused on finding a solution. Most arguments can be diffused simply by listening and acknowledging your partners thoughts and emotions and by respecting their point of view without interrupting.
Spend time together. Set a day each week to spend alone together. Having a date night can be as simple as sending the kids to grandmas and watching a movie at home, or dressing up for a night on the town. Put the children to bed at night and share a conversation rather than watching television or doing laundry.
Stay 100 percent committed to your spouse. If you walk away from problems rather than investing in the relationship and time you've spent together, it's difficult for your spouse to see your commitment to the partnership. Marriage requires a lot of time and energy to make it work every day.
Remain flexible to the changing needs of the marriage. Not everything is going to happen according to plan, and accepting this before something happens can protect you and your relationship from disappointment.
Money is one of the most common sources of marital arguments so staying up to date on your expenditures and income limits can help both of you realize where you stand and where you need to go in the future.
No marriage is unsalvageable if both partners want it to work out. In the beginning your love and respect for each other was enough to get you through the first trying years, so refocusing your efforts and commitment level before it disappears is important and well worth the investment you've made in each other.

How to feel Comfortable in a Relationship : 3 steps

The early days of dating are always a blast – every moment is a new experience together and it seems like a rush of energy fills each encounter.  Over time, though, you have to learn how to feel comfortable in a relationship that has progressed beyond that first stage of infatuation. 

The temptation, as the months and years pass, is to settle into a rhythm and forget the excitement you once felt for each other.  Don’t do that!  Not only is feeling bored all the time a tough way to live, it’s not healthy for you and your sweetheart.

Though it takes some effort – and you will naturally have peaks and valleys – you can keep the home fires burning fairly hot by making a commitment to keep each other at the forefront of your attention.  Here are XX rules to help you make the spark reignite the flame of your love day after day, week after week and year after year as long as you both shall live:


Keep Dating
Contrary to what you might think, this isn’t permission for those you afraid of commitment to avoid the altar.  The simple fact of the matter is that, as the obligations of daily life begin to exert more force on you, the task of connecting as a couple is that much more difficult.  You will find yourselves caught up in the pressure to perform at work or focused on raising productive children.
What you have to do, then, is set aside time once a week to talk about each other – nothing about work or problems at school or volunteer activities.  It will be tough at first, but the focused time reminding each other what you appreciate about your dearest is crucial to the long-term success of your relationship.  It doesn’t have to be a major event that includes dinner and a movie (though you should get out like that at least once a month), just some time together without distractions.

Try New Things Together
One of the major reasons you got such a rush of blood to the head (or elsewhere) early in your relationship is because of the novelty – you were doing everything together for the first time, which made it all the more thrilling.  You can regain the energy of those first few months by taking up activities that neither of you have tried before.
Once again, you’ll both look on the experience with fresh eyes and, since you aren’t trying to impress each other, will probably have a lot more fun being carefree.  Sit back and imagine, for a moment, what it would be like to learn ballroom dancing.  You’d laugh a lot as you clumsily tried each step, right?

Check In Often
It seems like such a simple thing, but going over your expectations of each other from time to time is a key to keeping lines of communication open.  This can be part of your weekly date or a separate appointment at the kitchen table – that is up to you – just make sure it is done with a spirit of honesty and respect.  If you come together with swords drawn, it’s unlikely you will get much accomplished.
However, a frank discussion of the emotions either of you has will avoid resentment from growing.  Begin with “When you…I feel…” and go from there.  You’ll be surprised how much better your relationship is – and the depth you’ll gain is far better than the fleeting thrill you felt when you first started dating.

Freaked Out Part I: Understanding Kids with Anxiety

For many children, riding the school bus, taking a test, or even going to school can trigger some anxiety. Social activities, such as birthday parties, sleepovers, dances and dating, can also make kids feel anxious. Personally, I think severe anxiety is one of the worst feelings in the world.
It can be disabling. Kids have described it to me as feeling like there’s a brick in their stomach, as if they’ve done something wrong or something bad is going to happen. Many adolescents describe it as feeling like something is eating at them and they can’t stop it and it scares them, or like they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
As a cautionary note, it needs to be stated that when dealing with severe anxiety, be sure to have your pediatrician rule out any medical issues that may cause anxiety to make sure it's not a problem with physical origins.
That being said, anxiety is the emotion we experience in a wide variety of ways when we’re uncertain about what’s happening, or we feel like we can’t control the events that are about to happen. Fortunately, most adults learn to manage this anxiety in a way that allows them to function effectively and live successfully in society.
Anxiety is really the 21st Century word for fear, although people don’t always associate it that way. Survival is probably our strongest primary instinct. And our instincts produce energy in the form of feelings. One way to understand the feeling of anxiety is to think of survival as a “fight or flight” mechanism.
Survival is the engine, anxiety is the gas—it gives you the energy to actually do the fighting or running. For people who have problems managing anxiety, it feels like their bodies are revving up, but there’s nowhere to go.
That’s why they talk about feeling nervous, jumpy, uptight, or out of control. The problem is, most kids don’t know how to process their anxiety, so it goes unchecked. And many times, it ends up feeding on itself and building.
How Anxiety Shows up in Your Child’s Behavior
You can often see from children’s behavior the level of anxiety they’re experiencing and how effectively they’re dealing with it. Younger kids will basically say, “I don’t want to,” or “I don’t like that,” or, “No!” Sometimes, they’ll identify a source from their dreams, nightmares, fantasy life or cartoons. Picture the infamous “boogeyman.”
Sometimes they’ll name something such as school, the bus, a person, or a room in the house, without being able to identify why. (It must be noted here that parents have to be very cautious when children show anxiety about a person, place or thing, and can’t verbalize why. Experience shows us that kids become very anxious, but emotionally shut down when confronted with the thought of being with an abusive person or going to a place where they’ve been physically or sexually abused.)
With many children who experience anxiety, you’ll also see a marked difficulty in their ability to sit still and pay attention. You might also see withdrawal: your child may become isolated as they see the world as an increasingly threatening place. Be alert to the fact that when you ask them what’s wrong, the reason they might give you will not always be the source of their anxiety.
This is because they don’t know how to define or express it, and they haven’t developed the internal problem-solving skills to deal with it yet. Most kids don’t know how to say, “I’m really afraid and I don’t know why.” In fact, when kids and adults experience anxiety, they often don’t know what’s causing it and will find some person, place or thing to blame it upon.
I want you to understand, when I use the word “anxiety” here, I’m talking about problematic anxiety. So while anxiety has a whole spectrum of ways that it’s expressed, how do we know when it’s harmful or disabling? Make no bones about it: it’s harmful when it triggers inappropriate behaviors, or when your child becomes too anxious or afraid to attempt (or complete) an age-appropriate task, or participate in age-appropriate activities.
So if your child is refusing to go to school, unwilling to take tests or do normal childhood activities, you need to rethink how you’re both dealing with the problem.
Here’s How to Understand Anxiety
Here’s a way of understanding how feelings of anxiety affect people differently and what range of behaviors you might see.
Let’s say there are four adults standing in a long supermarket line. All of them are behind schedule and are feeling anxious, which is leading to impatience and frustration. But they deal with it in very different ways. The first says to herself, “It looks like I can’t help being late. There’s nothing I can do about it. I guess I’ll just have to explain it when I get to the doctor’s office. They’ll understand.”
The next person decides, “I better get back to work, I can shop later. It’s not worth being late.” The third person might turn to someone and say, “Is today a holiday? It seems awfully crowded.” But the fourth person shouts out, “What’s going on here? Move it along! I’m late for a doctor’s appointment. I can’t stand here all day!”
As you can see, all of these people are afraid of being late to something that’s important to them, but they manage their anxiety in very different ways, and their actions appear to have very different outcomes. One person leaves, one person decides it’s OK to be late, one person processes the situation with the man standing next to her, and the last person starts shouting and blaming others, which is the least effective way of dealing with the problem.
It’s important to note that they probably all wound up being late, but three of them dealt with this situation in a way that didn’t trigger severe agitation or lead to inappropriate behavior.
Our goal for children is for them to learn the skills to manage their anxiety in a way that is effective. We measure effectiveness here by how much they let the anxiety disturb them and how much it affects their functioning.
Three Kids, Three Reactions to Anxiety
Now, let’s look at three kids who have to ride the bus to school. All have anxiety about riding the bus for different reasons.
Zachary, the first child in our scenario, resists getting out of bed and getting dressed. If you could listen in on his thoughts, you’d hear him saying, “I don’t want to get up. I don't want to go to school today. I don’t want to ride the school bus. Will doesn’t like me. He teased me yesterday and my friends all laughed at me. They don’t like me anymore.”
When his parents come to wake him, the look on Zach’s face and tone of his voice communicate that there’s something wrong. But when they ask him what’s bothering him, he’s only able to say, “I don’t want to go to school!”
When his parents say, “But Zach, you’ve been doing so well. Yesterday you were saying how much you liked your teachers and friends. What’s wrong today?”
And he responds, "Can you drive me to school? If you drive me to school, I’ll be OK. I don’t like the school bus anymore.” At this point, he’s is probably saying to himself, “I can’t ride the school bus. Will is there. I don’t like the bus. I don’t like school.”
He’s making the problem more severe by projecting how bad the situation will be before he even gets there. And he’s trying to solve the problem by controlling his environment externally—by getting his parents to behave differently. On some days, one of his parents may be able to drive Zach to school, and so he might proceed to get dressed, and he experiences that ride as the solution to his problem, although it's only temporary and he hasn't developed any skills to deal with the real problem.
The second child, Olivia, has the same thought, but her mother says angrily, “No, you have to ride the bus. Your dad and I both need to get to work, so we can’t take you to school today. I’m going to stand right here while you get dressed because I can’t be late for work.” What ensues is a passive power struggle in which Olivia is doing things slowly while her parents are becoming increasingly annoyed and frustrated.
All the while, the child may be saying things to herself like, “They don’t care about me. I can’t ride the school bus. Why don’t they just take me to school?” When the parent finally gets her into the kitchen for breakfast, she may refuse to eat or only want very sugary things, unconsciously sensing the sugar may give her more energy to deal with her feelings and the situation.
She might be thinking, "If I’m slow enough, I won’t have to ride the bus because it won’t wait for me," but she may not be conscious of that plan. To her, it just feels like the most natural thing to do is slow down, because she doesn’t want to go to school. In a sense, she’s digging her heels in.
When the school bus arrives, she goes to her room to get her sweater, but she doesn’t come out. Her parents yell, “Come on Olivia, the school bus is waiting.” The bus honks, and her dad goes out and holds up his hand, and then goes to look for Olivia. Her parents find her in her room lying on her bed.
Imagine now that she’s saying things to herself like, “I can’t ride that school bus. They don’t understand. I’m not going today. They can’t make me.” Eventually the bus leaves. Her parents are frustrated and angry with Olivia and embarrassed by her behavior.
They yell at her for behaving so poorly and punish her with no TV for a week. Her dad grudgingly takes her to school in the car, lecturing her all the way, while Olivia gives him the silent treatment. Inside, at this point she might be saying something to herself like, “I don’t care what they think. I didn’t have to ride the school bus, and I’m glad.”
In these two cases, neither child had the skills to identify the source of their anxiety and process the problem in a way that let them deal with their fear of riding the bus effectively. One avoided the problem by manipulating his parents into taking him, while the other one shut down and hid from the problem by not meeting her responsibility of getting on the bus, thereby invoking her parents’ anger, and getting a pretty severe consequence.
In either case, the source of the fear is the same: They’re not going to be safe sitting in the back with Will. This fear is both real and valid, but in both cases, the kids managed their anxiety in a way that didn’t help them solve the actual problem. And that problem is that they have to ride the school bus to school and find a way to keep themselves safe from the bully.
For many kids with anxiety issues, it’s passive resistance, not aggressive resistance. You’ll see them refuse to get dressed in the morning. Or the bus comes and they won’t get on. Believe me, it will manifest itself in a million different ways.
Now imagine a third child named Will. He has the same problem with anxiety and he says to himself, “Kids don’t like me. They think I’m fat and ugly. They don’t want to be my friend. I don’t want to ride the bus with them. They call me names and tease me.” Will fights with his parents and he pulls the covers over his head and refuses to get out of bed.
His parents, who have dealt with his high level of resistance in the morning for years, have learned that when they bribe him, he’ll respond. So his mother winds up saying, “I’ll give you those Pop Tarts you wanted, but you have to be in the kitchen by 7 a.m.” Even then it’s a challenge to get Will up. His siblings have learned to stay away from him.
Finally, he eats the Pop Tarts and goes back to his room. His parents are really stressed out by his behavior now because it’s starting to affect their jobs. Their employers have made comments about them being late, so now they’re taking turns with Will and saying they’ll giving him an extra snack of cookies just to get him on the bus.
So Will finally gets on the bus and sits in the same back seat as usual. Although he’s also overwhelmed by anxiety, he deals with it by picking on the other kids. Will’s strategy is to get the other kids before they get him. He calls them names and says, “You’re fat, you’re stupid.” He kicks kids under the seat and pokes them.
When they complain to the bus driver, Will’s response is “I was only playing, can’t you take a joke?” The bus driver has to intervene and say, “Calm down, Will.” Will has given the driver some lip and back talk. It’s not at crisis level yet, but the driver is wondering what he’ll do if Will hits someone or breaks the rule and gets out of his seat and comes toward the front of the bus.
Will’s method is yet another way of dealing with anxiety. He becomes the bully. He hides his fear by attacking others, and strikes out at other people to hide that fear. His reaction is part of the fight or flight mechanism we discussed earlier.
The first two kids are using flight, by avoiding the source of their anxiety. This boy, Will, is using fight as his strategy. He tried flight, by attempting to stay in bed, but once he couldn’t resort to flight anymore, he started to fight. In the end the old saying seems to be true: Bullies, after all, are really just afraid.
In all of these cases, the parents were left to wonder why their children were upset, anxious or afraid.

Things to Do if Feel Trapped in a Relationship

  Are you feeling trapped in a relationship?  Are you either not sure or 100% sure that the relationship is headed south?  What should you do?  Should you just break up with your partner and get the drama over with?  Or is it possible that you’re rushing into things?  Not to worry.  We have 10 ideas on what to do if you feel trapped in a relationship.

1. Accept and acknowledge what you feel
This is an important step because you cannot take action until the mind has settled.  Accept what you feel, think and understand.  This may be something definite, as in “I don’t love this person…I want out!” or perhaps something less decisive, like “I am not attracted to this person.  I don’t know if this is going to last.”  The problem comes when you deny what you feel.  It only complicates matters and creates troubled relationships.

2. Try to understand yourself and why you feel this way
Usually, the people that regret impulsively leaving a relationship have no idea why they feel the way they do.  This is why it’s a smart idea to ask yourself tough questions and answer them honestly.  If you are not attracted to your partner, ask yourself why.  Not just why your partner is lacking, but what exactly you are looking for that would make you happy.  If your partner has hurt you and you can no longer accept him or her then it’s time to reach a definite conclusion about what you need to be happy.

3. Talk to the person about how you feel
Provided your partner is not abusive, you owe it to him or her to talk to you about the feelings you have and the thoughts you’ve been dealing with.  It’s not easy to take this step, but in retrospect, you will find it is what a good partner deserves.  If there is a chance to save the relationship, the partner must know that there is trouble and that something must change.  If your partner loves you but you do not feel the same way, he or she deserves to know the truth.  Do not conclude that it’s too late, or that your partner won’t respond.  You owe it to him or her to be honest.

4. Talk to a trusted friend or family member
Sometimes a little perspective (namely someone else’s perspective) can help you make peace with your doubts.  This confidant can help you determine if what you feel is natural doubt or something much greater—as in an imminent breakup.  Stick to parents, aunts and uncles and older siblings rather than friends your own age or younger.

5. Get professional help
If family members or trusted friends cannot give you the comfort or support you need then maybe it’s time to talk things over with a therapist or psychologist.  If you don’t understand the way your own mind works, a professional can help explain what the problem is, why the relationship isn’t working and other mysterious questions.

6. Find a support group and talk about how you feel
The next best thing to do is to find a support group that can provide comfort and support, even beyond that of family members and a therapist.  When you talk to a support group, you are actually talking to people who have had similar experience to you.  Therefore, their words will be extra special.  If you don’t want to do this in person, you can always join a forum and voice your concerns.

7. Visualize your life without the other person and decide upon your next move
Not having a game plan as to what you should do after the breakup is a mistake.  If you are unsure of what to do, how to react and where to go, then you could easily relapse and call your ex up for a spontaneous makeup meeting.  You can avoid this fall back maneuver by planning your future.  Will you move out?  Will you move away?  Will you get a new email address or remove the person from your friend’s list on Facebook?  Or are you capable of being this person’s friend without any romantic attachment?  Plan your future carefully to avoid compromising.

8. Determine if you can live without the other person
It’s never a wise decision to “settle” on someone, rather than truly loving them.  Therefore, the only sure way to know if you are “destined” to stay together is to ask yourself “Can I go on living without this person?”  As in permanently.  Not as a friend or a crush or a secret lover.  Can you commit to avoiding this person romantically for the rest of your life?  Your answer is your future.

9. Confront the other person
If you decide it’s time to leave, there is no other choice than to be honest, straightforward and uncompromising.  Before you reach this point, you should have figured out what the problem is and what actions you need to take.  You must be strong because your partner or boyfriend/girlfriend may not take the news well, and may make promises.  By this point however, you are past the point of trying to save the relationship.  You must decisively end it, in person, and with firm determination.

10. Do not look back
Never second-guess yourself.  You could speculate for hours on what could have happened, and what you could have done differently.  However, it’s time to move forward.  This is the journey life is taking you on and to shrink back and restart a relationship you are not happy in is not productive at all.  It is literally a waste of your life.  Be strong and look forward once you decide to end a relationship.

Ultimately, you must decide what you value in a partner and what you want out of life.  We believe that love is something so strong that it’s not the sort of thing you have serious doubts about.  Being chronically unhappy is a sign of a failing relationship.  You do not owe anyone your life…save yourself from misery and stop feeling trapped!

Staying committed to your spouse

Our traditional model of marriage in the United States has remained stable and unchanged for more than 50 years. We have based our expectations on the relationships of our parents and grandparents and learned our beliefs about marriage based on the need for financial security, continuity and support. As the world changed and more women have had to integrate family life with work life, this model, although traditional, is not geared towards partnership and supporting individual needs.

The highest rate of divorce in young couples is during the early 20's. After about age 27, most young adults have found their true self and are emotionally mature enough to handle the stress of marriage and family life all while juggling a new job market. Men and women today have a need to find their individual selves before committing to a partnership that may force them to give up some of their individuality. Creating a partnership that honors a functional emotional connection while still ensuring individuality is more along the lines of today's needs and wants in relationships. Couples want more than financial security and a stay at home mom or dad. They want to feel trust, love and spiritual connection through the skills and practices they have learned as children.
Multiple priorities and responsibilities have become more important than attending to spouses and a committed relationship. In order to keep that relationship open and growing, there are suggestions for staying creative throughout the years:
• Take time to coordinate your busy schedules at least once a week and then plan a date night each week. Once a month plan a whole day to spend together doing something special and alone and spend at least one week alone together each year. Take this time to visit new places and get away from the daily commute and responsibilities of daily life.

• Buy special little gifts for each other just to let your spouse know you are thinking of them. Perhaps a trip to the grocery store includes a bouquet of flowers or a favorite treat.


• Leave love notes for each other. Text small messages during the day, while away on business or even when you're in different rooms of the house.


• Spend time together at night. When the children go to bed, take time to talk and cuddle rather than watching television or doing chores.


• Kiss your spouse every day and make it a point to say "I love you" to them every single day.


• Communication with your spouse is crucial to a great marriage. Letting your spouse know what you are feeling, your opinions on subjects and what you need from him is important to keep the relationship alive and growing. Actively listening, even when you are facing a conflict, tells your spouse that thier opinion is important to you and that you are focused on finding a solution rather than "winning" an argument. Most arguments can be diffused simply by listening and acknowledging your partners thoughts and emotions.

Marriages take teamwork and commitment to the success of the team over individual accomplishment. Your relationship is your first priority and the ability to form a cohesive unit to face the challenges that come in life. Successful marriages come with a lot of time and energy put forth to make it work. Complete commitment to making a relationship works means investing regularly in your relationship and its needs.
Remember to stay flexible to the changing needs of the marriage. The path to happiness will have many bends and forks and being able to take them in stride will help your marriage become stronger and more fulfilling. If you make the commitment to stand by your spouse even during the toughest moments, it becomes easier to skip through the smaller, trying episodes because you both will feel secure and loved in your relationship.

Tips to Help You Get in a Relationship

  Being single is always a tough proposition.  No matter how hard you try, it seems like you are always running across people who are dating – something that only makes you want to get in a relationship more. 

This sort of desperation is common to many, yet it can also lead to bad decisions that have a lasting impact on your life.  So, when you are tired of spending lonely nights wondering where the right person for you is, how can you make sure to connect with someone worthwhile?

Here are five tips to help you make a good choice the next time you try out a new relationship:


Know What You Want
This seems pretty simple, right?  You want someone to date.  Well, that requirement is so general, it just begs for a bad answer.
Anyone with a pulse technically fits your description, which is why you want to think more about the person’s character, such as particular likes and dislikes.
Narrowing these details down helps you describe the individual you are looking for to others and will help you identify him or her yourself.

Be Confident in Who You Are
Though it ought to be different, we often end up putting a lot of stock in being in a relationship when we are lonely.  In order to nab the kind of person to be with in the long term, you have to be secure in your own skin.
Sadly, a lack of self-belief is a trigger for people who are looking to manipulate someone.  If you don’t have a good foundation, you are more likely to end up hurt.

Go Looking for That Someone
As mentioned before, having a clear picture of the kind of man or woman you want to be with helps you figure out where the best places to find him or her will be.  Want a sporty type that enjoys the outdoors?  Maybe you could join a trail running club (assuming you like those things, too).
Even if you don’t have a case of love at first sight, you might make a friend that ends up introducing you to the person you’ve been searching for.

Be Outgoing
This should almost go without saying, but you have to be sociable in order to land a relationship.  Getting into conversations with new people, whether at a party or while picking up your latte at a coffee shop, is a great way to meet like-minded groups.
Don’t chase down opportunities to talk, but find ways to engage a different person every day.  At the very least, you’ll meet a bunch of interesting folks!

Take Your Time
Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Your quest to end your singleness is probably going to take more than a few hours, too.  When you feel like giving up and are certain you will be alone forever, remember how much you have to offer and keep going.
Someone is going to find you as attractive as you find them, you will laugh and talk like you’ve known each other for years and, in the end, you will get in a relationship that lasts as long as you both shall live.

Have a Mature Relationship

There’s nothing in the dating world that is more frustrating than the back-and-forth competition to wrest control – it’s something many couples do until they figure out how to have a mature relationship. 

The fact of the matter is, you are better off working together towards common goals than fighting to have your way, but how can the two of you create that?

Well, it’s as difficult as you want to make it.  Are you willing to begin sacrificing blending your desires with those of your partner? Can you forgo your pride and share your thoughts freely?

If you are able to mix these five ingredients together, chances are you will have a mature relationship – and one that will be the envy of your neighbors for as long as you both shall live.


Respect
Thought “love” would be the first thing on the list?  Well, you were a little off base.  Loving each other is absolutely critical, of course, but that is a given in your relationship (hopefully).
What often happens – or what some people perceive – is condescending words or looks begin to be exchanged instead of constructive comments.  If you don’t have a deep respect for the other’s opinion and contribution to the relationship, you might as well call it quits.

Vulnerability
This almost goes hand-in-hand with respect, as each of you has to feel safe sharing your most intimate hopes and fears without any apprehension about being judged.
If one of you is struggling with the death of a friend, it’s easy to know you will have a sympathetic ear listening.  You and your partner must be just as willing to describe all the irrational ideas you have, too.  Without this kind of trust, you can’t develop the depth necessary for a mature relationship.

Accountability
You probably go to work and have someone telling you how your performance rates periodically – whether weekly or every few months.  These sort of progress reports allow you to make changes and do your job better, right?
Why not do the same with your relationship?  By setting up a time to discuss instances where you have disagreed or talking about ways you felt offended (even if it was unintentional), you have eliminated the possibility resentment will fester and eat away at you two from the inside.

Counsel
Try as you might, making a mature relationship go the distance takes a lot of work.  Find some people you can consult with throughout, whether you are just starting out or have been married for decades.
You might find that bouncing ideas off a trusted friend who knows both of you can help you see obstacles you might not be able to.  Connecting with someone who has experience clearing those hurdles will make your relationship that much stronger.

Recharge

There is nothing more damaging to the health of a relationship than the feeling that other influences are creeping in to steal time. One of you might be working late on a project for work or the kids might be taking up a lot of the week, but you must schedule time for the two of you to reconnect without distractions at regular intervals.
No phones, no children, no distractions.  Just the two of you.  Once you set this plan into motion, you will be amazed at how much better things go.

Coup d’État

P.O.S. isn’t trying to change hip-hop; he’s trying to overthrow it.

  Hip-hop hates Stefon Alexander. Just flat out doesn’t like him. Wouldn’t even notice the guy if he walked into a room. Hip-hop just can’t stand him. Thinks he’s low or something. An interloper—like Lindsay Lohan at an AA meeting.

Yeah, as P.O.S., the guy can rap; hip-hop will give him that. He can toss out twisting rhymes with relative ease. But he doesn’t rap about the kind of things hip-hop cares about—booze, fine ladies and hitting the club. No, he has to touch on things like politics and personal feelings—stuff The Source prefers left unsaid. And he certainly doesn’t come up with the kind of tracks Timbaland or Pharrell seem to spit out with creepy regularity. His hooks are angled, choppy and distorted, the stuff of a guy who really knows how to play bass, guitar and drums. So, as far as hip-hop is concerned, Alexander is someone who just needs to go away.

Which is just fine with him. The last thing P.O.S wants is to be chilling next to 50 Cent at the Video Music Awards waiting for his Best Use of Crunk Juice as a Booty Moisturizer statue. He’d rather be out hanging with kids or trying to freak out a crowd—basically P.O.S.’s favorite pastime. Hip-hop can go do whatever.

“I don’t see myself being taken seriously by the hip-hop community, and I don’t really care,” the Minneapolis rapper says. “Rap fans look at me like I’m crazy. They don’t know what I am.”

Mainly because Alexander refuses to play their game. As P.O.S.—which can stand for “Product of Society,” “Promise of Skill” or even “Piece of Shit,” depending on the day—he tries to sound like anything but a hip-hop artist. “One of the biggest problems I have with hip-hop is that it sounds like hip-hop,” he says. There’s always clicking or synthetic beat, a keyboard wash or some sort of endless loop. Maybe some strings or horns are thrown in for a different flavor, but it’s all relatively the same.

“It’s always a 16-bar jazz loop over a generic beat. I don’t care how good of an emcee you are. I’ve heard so many good emcees rapping over a jazz loop that it’s just boring, so that’s the last thing I’m going to do.”

Instead, P.O.S. treats hip-hop like a wad of Play-Doh: something he can continually play with and change. He creates tracks that are alternately slinky and stylish, frustrating and funky. Either way, his sophomore record Audition never settles into anything that’s safe. Like “Bush-League Psych-Out Stuff.”

Forgoing the standard bass-drum booms, Alexander lets the continually crawling bass line control the rhythm, weaving in and out of his rhymes like a car working through traffic. Or “Safety in Speed (Heavy Metal),” an eerie and tense track that both skewers pop culture and gives The Hold Steady’s Craig Finn a chance to play emcee—rather convincingly, no less.

On “The Kill in Me,” P.O.S. channels his anger into a disturbing blunt chorus: “You can’t cut surgically with a shaky hand/ And honestly my nerves are shot again/ Let me treat you like a doll and snap your neck in my hands.”

That rage gets spread wider on “P.O.S. Is Ruining My Life,” Alexander running through a long litany of things that got him close to exploding. And on “Stand Up (Let’s Get Murdered),” the record’s standout track, he finally let’s go his frustration over a massive beat that—just to prove he can—puts Kanye to shame.

“That’s part of the reason people have a problem with me,” he says. “The shit’s loud. The shit’s abrasive. It’s not like everything else, and I enjoy that.”

And so do, increasingly, a lot of other people. While P.O.S. has had problems making inroads with the hip-hop community, he’s been getting bear hugs from the punk crowd. His stint on this summer’s Warped Tour has been a general hit. “If people just open their minds, they dig it,” he says.

He got similar results on recent stints with math rockers Minus the Bear and indie rock/rap group Gym Class Heroes. In fact, the guy has barely left the road in the last two years, something he finally intends to do in a couple weeks so he can begin work on a new record and finishing up the debut by Doomtree, the Minneapolis hip-hop crew P.O.S. helped found. “I’m planning to lay down some more completely ridiculous shit,” he says. “It should be great.”

And while that ridiculous shit probably won’t score him the cover of XXL, P.O.S. has more important people to please. “It’s all more for me,” he says with a slight laugh. “I do what I want to do, and I love it when I’m onstage and people are looking at me wondering what the hell is going on, what’s happening, until I start rapping. That’s just great to me.”

Do You Make this Parenting Mistake? "Wait till Your Father Gets Home!"

Sometimes when we feel powerless as parents, we resort to bringing out the big guns. Have you ever found yourself saying things like, “Wait until your father gets home!” or “Wait until your mother hears about this!”? I'm here to tell you that if you threaten a child with what their other parent might do, you’re making two serious mistakes.
The first is that you are giving up all your power and transferring it to the other parent. When you say, “You just wait till mom or dad hears this,” what you’re really saying is, “I don’t have any power over you, but the person who does have power over both of us is coming home.”
Another message you’re communicating is, “I’m powerless just like you,” or even “You’re more powerful than me.” These are very ineffective messages to give children because they are not statements that hold them accountable or define the parent/child relationship in healthy terms.
The second mistake that happens here is that the parent who says, “Wait until your father/mother hears this.” is setting the other parent up to be the bad guy, and that’s unfair. When mom comes home, her first job shouldn’t be all the unfinished business that dad has left.
Believe me, that’s no way to start out your night when you’re dealing with children. If a parent needs to rely on their partner for something important, the way to say it is, “I think I have to talk to your father about this before I make any decisions. Please go do your homework or read in your room.”
Be sure to emphasize “I.” And of course, that statement should be saved for things that are important, not minor behavior or back talking. A good example would be if your child steals from you or lies to his teacher. When faced with an important issue such as stealing, it doesn’t harm the situation at all for the parent to wait for their partner to come home.
Remember, when dealing with any serious decisions where a response is necessary, waiting a little while or talking with another parent or adult never hurts and is always the preferred approach when dealing with emotionally charged situations. So instead of threatening your child with their other parent, present a unified front and emphasize the fact that you and your partner are making the decisions together.

Relationship Tips and Advice

  It requires two to make a relationship successful and hence, both the partners may take initiatives in working out the problems in a relation to make it successful. Time to time, we all need relationship advices. There is no shame in asking for help when you are facing difficulties in a relation. Relationship advices from experts thus can help you saving your relation.

Following are relationship saving advices that can be followed everyday to make successful relation.Men and women can face different set of problems in a relationship and hence, there are different set of relationship advices available for men and women respectively. However, before applying relationship advices one is required to analyze the problems in relationship. If you are facing problems in analyzing your situation asking for professional help and counseling can also help you in understanding your situation better.

Relationship Advice for Women

Analyze the problem: Before you react you may take time in analyzing your problem. The problem can either be with you or your partner. If the problem is with you try and change yourself. If the problem is with your partner, try to talk and solve the problem with your partner.

Understand the signs: Try to learn the signs of interest of your partner. If the guy is serious about the relationship he will take more interest in discussing about the future, will introduce your to his family etc. If he is not then he will try to avoid such discussions. It is the woman’s duty to pick up the signs.

Allow space: Men love their independence and hence, a relationship often goes weary when women try to hold on to their men. Allow your men some space. He will appreciate if you don’t want to take him with you everywhere.

Understand your partner: Men aren’t as conversational as women are and hence, they may leave many things unspoken. But silent resentment can often lead to relationship disasters. Spend more time in understanding your partner.

Relationship Advice for Men

Understand your woman: Woman, unlike man, value emotional intimacy. They demand emotional dependency from their men. Understand the requirement of your woman. Give her time. Plan some activities that you both can enjoy together. This will help her feel secured.

Analyze your problem: Before jumping into action or taking some hasty decision, sit and talk with your partner. If necessary you may also try to seek professional help. Relationship experts can help you finding solution for your problem.

Make your demands: It would be wrong to guess that your partner will understand all your unspoken needs. Hence, speaking out your desires will help in building a successful relationship.

Often in a relationship you’d need to make many adjustments. It is also important to learn to forgive and forget to make a relationship successful. However, there can also be situations when you must learn to let go of things and prepare yourself to turn a new leaf in life.

Relationship Tips

Our time is gradually getting less to invest in a relation and as a result the number of failed relationship is increasing at an alarming rate. In such scenario relationship tips from experts can help you develop, save and manage the precious relation of your life.

Check your manners: Even in a relationship don’t forget the magic of the three words-please, thank you and sorry. These can help you go a long way in a relation. We tend to start taking our partner for granted after some years of a relationship. But you mustn’t forget to appreciate each other’s good works towards making the relationship successful.

Add variety: At times routines make your life dull and hence, to spice up your life further, you may try out varieties. Studies on relationship have shown that routine things lead to dissatisfactions and break-ups in relationships. This can be avoided by trying something new, like- eating out on a new restaurant, planning some new excitements with your partner etc. You can also plan for a holiday to an unlikely location. This will give you new things to explore.

Common interest: One good way to spend more time together is by finding activities which you both can enjoy. Find hobbies and sports which you both can play and enjoy, like- go for jogging together, do gardening, pottery etc.

Argue right: It may be impossible to avoid arguing in relationships but you can prevent it from going ugly. Avoid calling your partner names; don’t argue when you are angry; let your partner complete his/her sentence before replying. Following these rules will help you solve the rifts faster.

Also, don’t hold grudges for long. Learning to forgive and forget is essential to move on with a relationship.

Share works: Asking your partner to do all the household chores is unhealthy for your relation. Hence, divide works between yourself. You may select works according to your expertise. Also, change roles at times and do other’s works. However, you may also be flexible and accommodative whenever required.

It needs two to make a relationship success and hence, you may include your partner into the planning and explain him/her reasons for your efforts.

How to Make Your Relationships Work

All of us have hundreds, if not thousands of relationships in our lives. They are one of the most complicated facets of life, and perhaps none are so important as the relationship that we build with a significant other. If you tend to have relationships that don’t work out, or you’re entering a new one and don’t know what to expect, keep these basic tips in mind.

Love yourself
The love your boyfriend or girlfriend gives you will never be a substitute for your own self-esteem. Love yourself, and others will find it easy to love you, too. Don’t undermine yourself or be overly critical. Being relaxed and fun will make both you and your partner the happiest you can be.


Trust your partner
A lack of trust will doom any and every relationship. Be on the lookout for controlling behavior, and learn to stop it before it starts. If something is bothering you, you need to be able to talk to your lover about it rather than let it eat away at you. Just don’t assume the worst every time you aren’t certain what is going on, and you’ll find that it probably was never the case anyway.

Think like a couple
If you and your significant other really want to spend the rest of your lives together, you need to be an effective team. Don’t be selfish, but also don’t make yourself miserable so that your lover will be happy. The two of you are in this together! Learn to think in ways that benefit you as a couple, rather than just one of you individually.


Listen always
Be open to what your partner says to you, even if it’s critical and even if you disagree initially. Try to gain flexibility and perspective in your life. There’s a difference between a knee-jerk response and a well-thought-out position, and your relationships will improve the more open you are!

Give them space
If your boyfriend or girlfriend likes to do something that you don’t enjoy, just spend that time away from them working on your own hobby. Smothering your partner with your presence will only drive them further away from you. Even though you’re in love, you can lead separate, adult lives.

Communicate!
We’ve all heard this a million times from every piece of dating advice ever given, but the reason it’s still said so often is because it doesn’t always sink in. The crucial role that open communication plays in a relationship cannot possibly be overstated. Always be honest, even if the implications are painful. Your life will ultimately be happier because of it.

Be proactive
If your relationship has issues, the last thing you want to do is sit around and wait for somebody else to solve them. If you feel strongly that it is mostly your partner’s fault, then that is a problem in and of itself. If you want your partner to express affection to you, go and express affection to them first. The power is always in your hands to do something meaningful.

Have a Safe Relationship

Lurking in the shadows of life, there are millions of abused wives and husbands hoping for a way out.

No one should have to wonder if they can have a safe relationship but, unfortunately, some are unable to get out of a pattern of choices that lead to serious physical or psychological injury.

What is it, though, that makes one relationship better than another?  How can you avoid pairing up with a bad person in the first place?

Here are five things you must do in order to ensure you experience the kind of loving connection we all deserve:


Believe In Yourself
One of the deepest-held secrets of those who create unsafe relationships is a major lack of self-esteem.
When you seek to control someone, you are admitting – at least subconsciously – that you are not good enough for them to stick around by choice.
Sadly, those who are most vulnerable to being manipulated often have low opinions of themselves, too.  If you simply affirm your own worth, you have taken a positive step.

Maintain Personal Time
A safe relationship is one in which both parties are able to have friends and spend time with them separately.  Let’s say, for example, you meet someone that seems wonderful at first.
Naturally, you want him or her to meet your buddies so everyone knows who you are talking about.  If you notice a pattern over time, however, that your ability to see those people diminishes – and never without the man or woman in your life – then it’s possible you are being treated more like a possession than a person.

Voice Your Opinions
Regardless of how long you have been in a relationship, both parties should always feel like they can share their thoughts about everything without serious consequences.
Disagreements, when handled respectfully, are often the way to growth for you as a couple.  If one of you seeks to dominate every discussion and have his or her way at all times, then you are putting dominance ahead of cooperation.  This is a recipe for disaster and, if the person becomes forceful, possibly injury.

Evaluate Confidence Each of You Displays
Of course, no one gets into a relationship hoping it ends up being a nightmare, but the long process of change from dreamy to horrifying often happens so slowly you aren’t aware it’s going on.
When you find yourself alone, take time to look at the balance of trust.  Does it seem like one of you is always accusing the other of something?
Are you often on the receiving end of 20 questions about where you have been and with whom?  Ultimately, the two of you must be able to believe in each other completely.  If that’s not possible, everything is in danger.

Find Help

In the end, if you are unable to trust your partner with your health and security, it is likely time for you to move on.  Even though you might feel trapped, there are plenty of resources available to ensure you are removed from a bad situation.
Local churches and charitable organizations are great places to start, as they are often prepared with resources to help those in need better than anyone else.

Ways to Have an Email Relationship...

The rise of technology has made the world much smaller – we can now communicate across thousands of miles with just a few keystrokes. 

This has led some couples to have an email relationship as part of their courting process, something that allows them to get to know a like-minded individual from a different part of the world and greatly expands the number of possibilities from someone just around the block to an attractive person on the other side of the world.

Dating in this way is not without its challenges, of course, but it is becoming more and more common all the time. Considering using email as your primary means of communication? Remember these 4 tips:



Make Time for Messaging Every Day
Just like any other couple, the two of you will have to make keeping in touch a priority while you’re apart.  In the beginning, this might mean you set aside a few minutes once a day to send a reply to your latest message.
As time progresses and your relationship grows, you will likely have to dedicate a bit more time each day, just as people who are married often talk on the phone once or twice during the day.

Be Wary of What You Say
The toughest part about having an email relationship is that you are unable to hear the tone of another person’s voice.  When we are able to identify the emotion behind certain words with our ears, we are better able to understand and reflect someone’s message.
Since you will be reading you and your lover will be reading each other’s words off a screen, you must be careful when interpreting what’s said.  Everything is subject to interpretation – based on previous experiences with other people or just a bad day at the office – and you want to be clear in order to avoid angry replies.

Find Ways to Connect in Real Time
If email is your primary means of communicating, chances are pretty good the two of you are in different time zones.  In order to give your relationship a dose of reality, spend a half-hour or so online at the same time at least once a week.
This will allow you to have a full “conversation” that has a life of its own and wanders from one subject to the next, just as you might over the phone or at a local coffee shop.  Doing this periodically gives the two of you an opportunity to see how you might interact face to face, odd as that may seem.

Meet Up
Regardless of how hard you try to avoid it, there will come a time when the two of you will feel compelled to get together.  This is an important step – and something that must be maintained – if you are going to build a lasting connection.
Relationships are, ultimately, about sharing life together day by day.  It might not be feasible at first (and you are well served to make sure you know each other well), yet there’s no way to keep the spark alive without meeting up at some point.

Have an Open Relationship...

The conventions of society are changing more and more all the time – and one of the major changes is an increase in the number of couples that have an open relationship. 

Once thought to be something done out on the fringes of society, the idea has gained increasing popularity after the sexual revolution of the late 1960s and came to public knowledge on a wide scale after it was revealed Newt Gingrich asked an ex-wife for one in order to avoid divorce.

The challenges of successfully navigating a close romantic connection with one person while engaging in physical intimacy with several are almost too many to count, but it can be done if you keep these four tips in mind:


Respect Your Partner
If you are going to have an open relationship that works, you must have significant respect for each other. That is, you must be able to genuinely honor the other as you pursue sexual activity with others.

You might think it’s irrelevant, but you must consider your partner’s needs and stick to them.  In this case, you would want to make sure you both engage in safe sex practices to avoid transmitting diseases and refuse to bring up other conquests in comparison with each other.

All of these qualifications must be laid out and agreed to in advance, otherwise you set the stage for resentment.

Offer Support
For some people, the idea of a committed relationship in which monogamy is optional will seem pretty strange, so you will want to make sure you back up your partner in the face of weird looks or contempt from others.

If the two of you are willing to work together on this, there must be a safe emotional place for both of you to discuss the difficulties and encourage each other.  Over time, the awkwardness will dissipate, but the mutual strength you develop will serve you well in the long term.

Make Rules for Sharing
If you two own property together, it might be a good idea to set up a schedule during which each of you can use it.  Let’s say, for the sake of argument, one of you wants to have an encounter at the home you own.

Get out the calendar and set an evening during which this can occur and set up some parameters – even providing a hotel room for the other to sleep in while one of you enjoys themselves, if necessary.  As in other aspects of your relationship, communication is key.  If you are both being upfront and honest, your chances of success are much better.

Understand When Changes are Necessary
Despite the two of you having the best of intentions, it may end up that the both of you end up seeing the world differently as time passes. It is perfectly acceptable for the two of you to close your relationship off again or part ways, just be mindful of each other’s needs.

In some cases, couples benefit from regular “check in” sessions to make sure everyone is on the same page and having the best possible experience.

Business Casual

Metal duo Big Business are serious about not taking their job too seriously.

  Big Business determine what kind of business they bring to a show by how well they play live—or at least that’s what I assume while talking to drummer Coady Willis. If they play poorly one night, I joke, then they are obviously small business that night. When they rock a sold-out amphitheater, it’s safe to say that they are very big business. And because it’s super windy on Willis’ end of the line, I have to repeat my lame observation again, only this time with a gusto that betrays attempts to buddy up.

RB: “You guys should really talk about what kind of business you bring to the show, cause it’s like, in your name!!”
Coady Willis: “Sorry, it’s windy. Could you repeat that?”
RB: (Repeat question but with 24-point font)
CW: Oh, yeah (pity laugh), we should start talking like that.

Whether or not they actually take my advice to heart, it’s indisputable that Willis and bassist/singer Jared Warren have been very involved with some … er, very big business lately. Fresh off the release of their pummeling sophomore effort Here Come the Waterworks (Hydrahead) and a successful stint opening up for metal heavyweights Tool, Big Business are only now embarking on their own headlining tour in support of Waterworks. Oh, and they’re also honorary members of Washington underground legends The Melvins.

But keeping a busy schedule isn’t anything new to Willis, who has had his fingers in a lot of musical pies for awhile now. He drummed for Seattle punks Murder City Devils and Dead Low Tide before seeking out harder, more technically challenging material with Big Business.

?“I’ve always been into heavier music, so it wasn’t that big of a jump for me,” he says. “Jared used to be in a couple different bands: Karp and The Whip. But then both of our bands became inactive, and I was bored. Our bands had played shows together, and we saw each other at parties. So I decided to give him a call. We decided we just kind of liked writing songs as a two-piece.”

Playing as a duo has definitely worked in their favor. Thanks to Willis’ complex chops and Warren’s wall-of-bass (mixed with vocals that recall Motorhead singer Lemmy’s most lecherous highs), they achieve the same thick, intense sound that most bands achieve with the help of at least four members. Of course, the whole one-plus-two-equals-rock formula has resulted in some rather undue comparisons.

“It’s easy to lump us in with Death From Above 1979 because of the whole bass/drum-thing, even though we sound nothing like them. We’ve even been compared to The White Stripes, but I really think having two people in the band is the least interesting thing about us,” Willis says.

Perhaps more noteworthy is Big Business’s lack of ego and self-importance—qualities that might be attributed to their background as sideline musicians, forever shadowed by lead singers and guitarists. And, while their music could provide the soundtrack to pagan sacrificial ceremonies, track titles “Another 4th of July … Ruined” and “White Pizzazz” indicate there’s more than a hint of underlying humor to all of their heaviness.

“We take ourselves seriously, but we’re also trying to keep our band fun—not a job, a punch-in-a-clock formula. I’ve been in bands that weren’t very much fun after a while. I wasn’t having a good time, but I did it because it’s what I wanted to do,” Willis says. “When we’re putting it out, we’re doing what we do. It’s not that hard to get.

“I look at magazines like AP and every band looks the same; every band looks so serious and severe. You have a lip ring. I don’t believe you’re that hard, I don’t believe that. It’s not that serious, your band is whatever you want to be. Music should be a fun thing—there should be something that you get out of it besides the money. If you’re not getting something out of it, you’re an idiot.”

Children Behavior Problems: A Specific Target

When Children Behavior Problems Are Focused on One Person

For many children, behavior problems are not universal; they’re targeted. Targeted at dad, at mom, at the stepmother, at the fiancé, at a sibling. The following two case studies reveal how normally charming and compliant children can become defiant or even abusive with one person in the family. James Lehman examines why this happens and what parents can do about it.
Case study #1: When Lisa remarried, she was confident that her three kids would grow to love David as much as she did. Her oldest daughter, Danielle (16), had never really warmed up to David, but she thought she’d come around. Danielle had always been a sweet and pretty resilient kid. Lisa was wrong. Within a few weeks after the wedding, Danielle’s behavior toward David became openly hostile.
If he so much as tried to assert himself in a parenting role, Danielle would blow up. After one epic argument involving curfew, she stopped speaking to David altogether—and hasn’t uttered a word to him in the last two years. Danielle will speak to everyone in the family, except David, who remains the object of her unending wrath.
Case study #2: People who know Brian, Susan and their four children always tell them they look like “the perfect family” and compliment them on how polite their children are. But inside their home, they are far from perfect. Their 15-year-old son Jacob is a tyrant, particularly toward his mother and his youngest brother. He uses intimidating language with Susan and is physically abusive with six-year-old Tyler. “Jacob is all smiles when we’re in public,” says Susan. “But when we come home, he turns into this whole different kid.”
Kids recognize and deal with people in different ways almost from birth. As infants, they respond differently to their mother, a caregiver or a family friend. This continues into childhood and adolescence. They recognize the differences in adults, and those differences often fall into two categories.

A Learning Experience

Which adults have power and which adults don’t have power? Which adults can you manipulate with bad behavior and which adults can you not manipulate? As kids grow up, they recognize which adults cannot follow through on consequences, which ones accept their excuses for inappropriate behavior and which ones buy them things to win their allegiance. They learn which adult is always making excuses for them and which one sets limits.
When a child targets one person when he acts out, it’s an indication that he has learned he can feel powerful at the expense of that person, whether it’s a parent, a stepparent or a sibling. On the surface, you won’t see the kid getting anything out of this targeted behavior.
It’s not like he gets out of a consequence by calling his mother abusive names. He does it because he feels like a zero, and when he can bully his mother, he feels powerful. He feels weak and shaky about himself and lacks self-confidence. When he puts her down, he gets self-confidence. It’s a simple, basic behavioral dynamic.
To understand what kids get out of this, imagine you have a boss that you don’t like. Let’s say that boss is a constant pain in the neck for you. How often do you dream about telling him off? You imagine what it would be like to tell him off and think about how great you’ll feel.
It probably will feel great for fifteen seconds, until you figure out how you’re going to find another job. It’s the same thing for these kids. They are telling off their boss, and they get the same sense of gratification out of it. To make it even better, they get to tell their boss off every day. In Danielle’s case, she has been telling off the boss for two years.
When children target a parent with their inappropriate behavior, they have most likely seen that there is a division in how the parents deal with the child—that the parents are not in alliance. They get two different messages from the parents, and they get power by picking on the weaker of the two parents, confronting the parent who challenges their power base or lashing out at the parent they deem is “unfair.”

Behavior Problems and Self-Esteem

Children who target parents or siblings by acting out often don’t have high self-esteem. They are afraid to feel certain things or be confronted with certain situations. So they try to control people by making one of the parents or a sibling a victim.
It’s a natural reaction for parents to become divided when this targeted behavior is going on in the family. Parents become angry at the child and at each other. It’s somehow easier for parents to argue with each other over the child’s behavior than it is to demand that the child change. But this is exactly what parents need to avoid.
Parents have to join together and decide what they’re going to do—together—when the child is abusive. Whether both parents witness it or not, both parents have to say, “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Say this directly, clearly and firmly to the child who is acting out. Don’t look to blame the other kids in the family. Don’t blame each other. Put the responsibility for the behavior back on the child who is acting out.
Whether you are parenting the child as parents, step parents or foster parents, the most important word to remember is “We.” In Danielle’s case, when she rejects her stepfather, she is rejecting is the authority figure that he represents. Lisa shouldn’t try to shoulder the burden of this conflict alone, and David should neither withdraw from the parenting role to avoid conflict nor incite it by getting into shouting matches with Danielle.
Lisa and David need to stand together and be very clear with Danielle, saying, “We are both your parents. And if you act in a disrespectful way with either one of us, you will be held equally accountable.”
The case of Jacob reminds me of my days working in youth detention centers. One day I remember asking a kid, “Do you curse at the staff in here?” And he said no. I asked him, “Why not? You curse at your mother.” Kids know who has the authority and who doesn’t. The kid in the detention center knew the staff members had authority and wouldn’t put up with being cursed at.
His mom didn’t have authority over him, so he cursed her. What Brian and Susan need to realize is that Jacob understands if he disrespects people outside the home, the consequences will be clear, swift and uncomfortable. So when he disrespects his mother or his little brother, the consequences should also be clear, swift and uncomfortable. They need to observe what is different and what works about his behavioral responses outside the home and apply those things to their home.
The child who bullies specific people in the home has to learn the skills it takes to feel powerful and competent in more age appropriate ways. Parents should address two things:

• They need to help the child develop specific social skills in the areas of conflict resolution, negotiation and compromise.
• Parents have to work together to set clear and powerful limits to manage the behavior, always remembering to be united and use the word “we.”

The end result is that the child learns more skills to manage his feelings and not to abuse one person or take things out on them. He learns to manage those feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness, confusion and helplessness himself. When parents teach these skills and kids learn them, both sides end up happier. Even though the child doesn’t get his way as often and even though the parent has to work at it a bit, they both feel happier because they know things are working in the family. In The Total Transformation Program, I provide parents with a step-by-step way to teach these life skills to your children.

The Truth About Bullies

The public perception of bullying is that bullies are acting out to cover their own fears. They may indeed be afraid, but accepting this as a reason makes bullies sound like victims of their fears -- like we're supposed to feel sorry for them and not hold them responsible for their abusive actions.
But dealing with bullying in this way misses the point The issue is not whether bullies are afraid. Bullies bully other people to feel powerful around them and to feel power over them. Bullies start out feeling like zeroes, like nobodies. When they intimidate, threaten or hurt someone else, then they feel like somebody. The key is the feeling of power.
We often think of the child bully as being male, but the percentage of girls who intimidate their classmates and siblings is increasing dramatically. Bullying doesn't stop at the end of the school day, either. Whether bullies are at home, at school, or they’re threatening and intimidating other kids on the Internet, they're going to act out to make themselves feel powerful. Many kids who are bullies at school are bullies at home. The most common victims are their innocent siblings.
What are the consequences of bullying? You may have heard about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) when it comes to sexual victimization or assault. PTSD can occur any time people feel they have no control over the way their pain is delivered. They live in fear, not knowing when they're going to be hurt. Kids who are constantly bullied and not protected will develop symptoms of PTSD -- constant anxiety, constant fear, idiosyncratic behaviors to compensate for those feelings. They'll fall behind in their development.
Dealing With Bullying
Dealing with bullies requires holding them strictly accountable for the abusive, hurtful or disrespectful things that they do to feel powerful. They need to practice appropriate ways to feel powerful -- using social skills, articulating their feelings, communicating honestly with others and solving problems. Those skills are difficult to develop. It takes work; it’s like learning how to multiply or learning how to add. But it can be done. Holding bullies accountable for inappropriate behavior gives them boundaries and gives them a roadmap for doing that work.
If your child is a bully
If your child starts to exhibit bullying behavior, the first thing to do is realize it's something you need to address. You can't kid yourself that it will go away on its own. If adolescent bullies are not stopped, and not taught more appropriate ways to solve problems, they become abusive parents, spouses and bosses. We all feel powerless at times, but there are better ways to deal with that than to abuse other people.
You as the parent have to set a standard: No excuse for abuse. There's no excuse for cursing someone out, for breaking something, for hitting anyone. The bully always has an excuse, a way to justify this behavior. This justification is so powerful that it takes the place of empathy for the other person. That’s why you have to have a no-excuse standard.
A kid may curse out his sister and say foul things to her and then make up some justification about what she was doing to him -- "She went into my room again" or "She wouldn't get off the computer." Let the kid tell you the excuse, and then reiterate, "There's no excuse for abuse." Don't shut off communication, but don't validate the thinking errors that go into the justification of abusive actions. There should be consequences for abuse. Later, you can talk about appropriate ways to handle a problem.
If your child is bullied
If your child is a victim of bullying, it may be because he is the sort of child who has difficulty standing up for himself. Bullies look for easy targets, because that makes them feel powerful. If you can teach a child not to respond to bullying, to walk away, bullies are less likely to press that child.
The most effective strategies for dealing with bullies are "avoid" and "escape." These are things you can teach your children: Avoid bullies when you can. Walk away from them if they’re in your vicinity. If you’re being bullied and that doesn’t work, you need to get help from somebody who has more power than the bully. You shouldn’t have to fight because somebody else is a bully. Go to someone who has more power than the bully, like the teacher or the police.
Teach your child that he has to hold that person responsible. Getting hit in school is still assault, and parents shouldn’t back off if that happens. You want the other kid’s parents down at the police station. You want them to be as uncomfortable as you are.
It hurts to be bullied, and this fact should never be minimized. Teachers, parents and school officials are sometimes inclined to say, "Well, they’re only kids. It happens." It shouldn’t happen, and it's adults' responsibility to provide a healthy environment for our children. The best schools are the ones who develop a zero tolerance for violence and zero tolerance for bullying, and parents should demand that and support it.
At the same time, if your child is experiencing abuse at the hands of another child, ask this question: "What would you find helpful?" Find out what your child would find helpful to improve the situation. Here’s why this is important.
If a child is being bullied at school and his parents just take over the situation, then he's powerless on both ends. Be encouraging, give him a chance to work it out, offer some help and ideas. But also let him know that if it's still a problem, you're going to step in and protect him.