Dealing with sibling rivalry

Sibling rivalry has existed as long as families. It can be caused by birth order positions in the family, sex of the children and age differences. If you think about the conflicts that arise between spouses, friends and other personal relationships, it is no wonder that children with differing personalities and ages would also have conflicts that must be addressed and diffused. Parents have long looked at sibling rivalry and wondered how they can change or end the feuds that can get so easily out of hand.

The causes of sibling rivalry come from a long list of different sources. They are of different ages, temperaments and possibly sex and worst of all to them, they have to share the people that they want most for themselves; their parents.

Age problems mount as positions in the family take shape. Oldest children may be burdened with responsibilities that the younger children don't have yet and younger children may spend a lifetime trying to catch up with an older sibling's accomplishments and privileges.
Sons may hate their sister because their father is gentler with her and mothers may let her help in the kitchen more often. Daughter's may start to have jealousy when their brother's get to play sports or hang out with her dads' guy friends, leaving her home.
Parental attitude may be the most important factor in sibling rivalries. Parents have been taught to be impartial but this can be a difficult task. It's inevitable that parents will feel differently about children with differing needs and personalities and their position in the family. Many parents feel that in order to be fair, they must treat children equally even when one child may need special attention during a specific time. If mom hugs one child, she feels she must stop and hug all her children, and soon that special hug for the first child becomes a somewhat meaningless act of love because all the children shared it equally.
Ever since we decided to recognize sibling rivalry as a normal childhood behavior we have struggled to figure out what to do about it. Here are some suggestions when dealing with a heated rivalry within the family:

• Don't compare. Each child is unique, and being compared to someone else is a way of telling him that his own development isn't as important or as healthy as someone else's. Each child should have his own goals and levels of expectation that are as unique as his personality.


• Don't dismiss resentment or angry feelings. Anger can be a healthy feeling and should not always be suppressed. Its part of being human and it's normal for siblings to get angry with each other. They need adults to assure them that it's ok to be angry, that everyone has those feelings, but that there are healthy ways to control and face that anger that do not involve behaving in cruel or physical ways. Take time to talk about your child's feelings and discuss how to make changes in the future.


• Avoid situations that promote guilt. Teaching children that feelings and actions are not synonymous, we want to make sure that children understand that it may be normal to want to hit someone, but that actually doing it is not acceptable. Parents need to be quick to intervene when children act out in a mean way so their guilt doesn't get the best of them.

Let them settle their differences alone: When possible, let brothers and sisters practice solving their own problems alone. Parents can step in and mediate when needed, but letting children learn how to solve their own problems is a great test of social skill. Do not let contests of unequal's take place without evening out the score. (ie. a 13 year old vs. an 8 year old in a test of intelligence or strength).