Will I Be Good Enough For Santa?

Last year around this time I was having a discussion about the holidays with two brilliant five-year-olds. They both had the family tradition of making that wish list for Santa. One of them was exuberant about her desires and generously shared her thoughts.  But when I inquired about the wishes of the second child, she burst into tears. My heart stopped. What was wrong? The little one explained, “ My parents said that if I was not good every day that Santa will bring me nothing but coal. I can’t be good all the time so I won’t get any presents.”  She was devastated. I immediately thought about how difficult it would be for a five year old to be perfect for the months leading up to the holidays. How could she not have one whiny, moody, stressed or tired day? I wondered if her parents proved perfection while preparing for the holidays.
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  When children still believe in Santa Claus, they also believe everything their parents tell them. Is this kind of perfection pressure healthy for little ones to carry? For the child mentioned above, she had curbed herself from wish lists, turned off television ads where toys were displayed and emotionally shut down because she knew she was unable to be perfect. On Christmas morning, however, when toys, games and other gifts were scattered throughout the house, she was in shock muttering the words, “ I must have been good, I must have been good.”  It was hard for her to enjoy her abundance because she was still quite confused. This story touched my heart and has lessons for children and adults alike.

Do you like the Christmas song titled: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town? I usually enjoyed singing it or hearing it until I experienced the above story. Listen to the words: “You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why…He’s making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice…He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been good or bad…so be good for goodness sake.” Imagine this message as an eerie one that causes angst for children at a time when they should be taught about love, giving, and family connection.

When raised in a narcissistic family, there is a strong message that you are valued for what you do rather than for who you are. This causes long-term devastating effects because children are not taught to focus on building a solid sense of self. Children in these families spend their childhood energy twirling to get parental love and approval, doing for and taking care of their parents. As discussed in prior posts, the hierarchy in these families is skewed. In a healthy family it is the parental role to take care of the children not vice versa.

Using the words good and bad to describe children is dangerous. The labels tend to permeate the whole being. Rather, parents determine specific behaviors they would like attended to, but not call the whole child bad. The labels of good and bad can stay forever.  Adult children of narcissistic parents internalize the message, “I’m not good enough. ”Now, we’re encouraging “not good enough for Santa?”

I also think about how we strive for this perfection ourselves during the holidays. We seem to easily raise the bar on our expectations of idealized scenes of perfect gatherings, beautifully prepared food, just the right gifts, lovely decorated houses and of course super model weight loss that should happen before next week. If we are not currently Wonder Woman or Superman, we must morph quickly.

For adults these kinds of expectations can cause unnecessary stress, depression and anxiety. Then we also start labeling ourselves as good or bad and self-esteem can be knocked down with each thing we can’t perfect. Do we really want to create all this for our kids and ourselves? What could be a greater gift to us all than to practice compassion and love without this pressure to be perfect.

My Santa doesn’t bring coal or watch children with an evil eye expecting not one pout or cry. Does yours? I envision Santa flying overhead modeling love, the spirit of giving, and showing empathy towards those things he sees that need improvement. Remember Santa even stopped bullying when Rudolph was having problems with his peers. He didn’t tell Rudolph to get over it already and pretend that all is well. He didn’t say, “ You better not cry, you better not pout.” He didn’t demand perfection.    He said instead, “ You can guide my sleigh tonight, red nose and all!” Ahhh!

Let’s drop the naughty or nice gig and lighten up. Kids can’t pull it off and neither can we. What do you want to see different this season in your family? I’m looking for more general acceptance of others and self, dropping unrealistic expectations, and maybe seeing more Mommies kissing Santa Clauses. When the kids cry and pout or we get stressed and irritable, how about more hugs too? The gift of giving everyone a break tops my list this year.   

How to Stop Bullying... It's More Than Sticks and Stones

Bullying is still too often thought of as being an ordinary passage when growing up. We all remember being pelted with some sort of hurtful words. Some kids remember being beaten up on the playground. Although this wounded many children of generations past, it wasn't always taken seriously. When we hear the word "bully", too many people continue to think of it as not a big deal.
However, bullying has changed. It is more than words or getting teased on the playground. In many schools, it has escalated to being inescapable harassment, physical assault, verbal abuse, and a constant barrage of cyber attacks that leave kids feeling defeated, fearful and alone. The most appropriate question for parents and teachers is not whether we should look the other way anymore, but rather, "How to stop bullying?"
According to Maureen Hackett, a mental health child advocate, children and teens are at fragile stages in their development of identity and self-esteem. Their relationships with peers are an integral part of how they see themselves and how they view their sense of worth. This is just one of the aspects that makes bullying so dangerous. Hackett goes on to say that the young victims look to their parents and other adults in their life for validation, appreciation and protection. When parents, teachers, or other adults in children's lives don't take bullying seriously or fail to help them, the child is hurt further. Many times this intensifies the bullying children are experiencing.
There is also no escape. While home used to be a safe haven, now there is an onslaught of cyber bullying so the terrorizing often continues at home, even in the child's own room.
What can we do to help with this situation that happens every day, everywhere, to many children? The first step may be getting involved to change the laws. Encourage the state to recognize bullying as a form of abuse. Currently the word "bullying" minimizes what our children are going through on an emotional, or even physical level. They are being terrorized.
Warning signs your children are being bullied:

• They come home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings.
• They have unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches.
• They complain about not having friends.
• They seem afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part with peers in organized activities (such as clubs).
• They have no interest in school or their grades. They begin to struggle with school.
• They are weepy, sad, moody, or depressed when they come home from school.
• They complain frequently of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments.
• They experience a loss of appetite or begin to gain weight.
• They appear anxious and suffer from low self-esteem.

The best advice for parents regarding helping your child is take it seriously. Do not minimize it. Write everything down (for future reference).
More tips for parents with children who are being bullied:

• You need a plan and you need to make an appointment with your child's teacher. Share your ideas with the teacher and make sure that they include the time spent at both school and at home.
• Talk to your child with a private or school counselor. This will help reinforce your child's sense of worth. Many counselor have ideas of how best to intervene using other resources. If your child has a private counselor, he should visit the school in order to help support the teacher's efforts.
• Limit your child's computer time and have her share threats she is receiving with you. If your child has a cell phone, be aware of how much texting is taking place. Make sure you have a copy of these threats in case you need legal help.
• If there is no improvement within a week, it is time to take it to either the principal (if the abuse is happening at school) or other person in charge.

If you are the parents of a bully:

• Your child needs counseling along with a professional assessment from a psychiatrist. (Your whole family may be encouraged to attend.) Bully behavior is learned and suggests that there may be a "bully mentor" in your home.
• Make a doctor's appointment for your child. Sometimes children act out with impulsive and angry behaviors when there is something wrong with them medically (a hormone imbalance,for example).
• Set firmer limits at home. Limit your child's ability to text and use the Internet.
• Violence toward your child (spanking, etc.) will not stop the behavior and may make their bully maneuvers more intense.
  Overprotecting your child and telling yourself that it is normal child behavior doesn't work either. There is nothing normal about hurting another child. You need to act and you need to do it now.

Behind every bully who is terrorizing another child, there is a parent who has ignored the bully's behaviors and decided that it will go away on its own. Bullying does not go away. It usually gets worse, and intervention on both the parent's behalf (the parents of the bully and the parents of the child being bullied) works best.

What do Kids Need?

Children need to be seen and appreciated for who they are and what they feel. Our job as an adult is to look at a child and ask, “Who can you be?” This means we create an atmosphere of curiosity and attention, which nurtures a child to find the essence of who they are. We support their way of being, their emotions, and provide freedom for them to be who they are while teaching them how to be a kind and authentic human.
When we tell children not to feel something (don’t cry, don’t be sad, don’t be angry) we are teaching them not to trust themselves and their emotions. When a child feels something is wrong and they are told they shouldn’t feel that way, they then decide there is something wrong with them and/or their feelings. Or they develop a fighting attitude where they need to prove to the world that they are right. Or they do both. When we provide a message that feelings are wrong, we help create beliefs that “emotions aren’t good,” and “we shouldn’t have them,” and “if we do have them we are bad or we need to control them, deny them, push them down or avoid them.” This results in people developing coping mechanisms of avoidance, such as eating, denial, over-doing, which in turn can result in depression, anxiety, anger and addiction (to work, drugs, alcohol, behaviors, food, etc.).
When we control our children, when we don’t listen to them and pressure them to be what we want them to be, instead of being curious about who they are, we create doubt and confusion in them that manifests in emotional problems like self-hate, lack of self-confidence, confusion and lack of trust in one’s self to make decisions. Physical manifestations vary from withdrawing to acting out, increased illness, and even self-destructive behaviors like cutting, self-sabotage, and addiction.
Create boundaries firmly and consistently and teach children the rules and appropriate behaviors inherent in society. Model and engender respect for self, for others and their property. Do this with unconditional love and kindness. Behavioral correction delivered with anger and criticism, suggests to the child removal if love, which is confusing to them. Anger generates a disturbance in the child that creates negative beliefs about themselves and/or others such as “I am not good enough and something is wrong with me or s/he wouldn’t be angry at me” or “people are dangerous, unsafe and they don’t love me.” These negative beliefs become part of their identity and will accompany them through their lives.
Adults are Gods to children, powerful and all-knowing. Children are very literal—they believe what they are told. If they experience parents who aren’t present, who avoid, who are critical, angry, or impatient, they usually assume there is something wrong with them or the adult wouldn’t be acting this way toward them. Their response to the feeling causes it to get embedded in the system along with the beliefs that accompany that experience (i.e., “when I behave that way, love is withdrawn, thus I am not good enough, I am bad, defective or unlovable”). These inferences about themselves and life then (consciously or unconsciously) govern their lives.
When children’s beliefs and negative experiences are stuck in the body, they will respond as though they are still in the past—they will not respond intentionally in the present. Rather, a past event is stuck in the system and generates a default reaction (usually unconsciously). The default behavior is a form of self-protection that becomes hard wired. If something occurs that recalls the distressing event, the brain signals danger, which activates the “reptilian brain”—home of the “fight or flight” response.
Paradoxically, when the fight or flight response triggered, we don’t have access to the rest of the brain—we are stuck in fight or flight, so we cannot problem solve very well. We are hard wired to fight or flee—or if we can’t do either of those, we go into immobility. This doesn’t allow for the use of natural talents and knowledge, so we are very limited in this state. Being in this state also perpetuates the victim/tyrant cycle, violence, more trauma, anxiety and ultimately, illness.
Emotions inform us about the things that happen around us. Emotions show us when we have been invaded; when we are in danger; when we find something that excites us and brings us joy; when we love something and when we value something, and when we don’t like something. Without emotions, it is impossible to discern and follow our passion. Without understanding our emotions, we are unable to identify our triggers. Without acknowledging and respecting emotions, we can let others take advantage of us and abuse us and even hurt us. Emotions are key to developing our strengths and talents, which eventually leads to a career that expresses the core of who we are. When we know what we feel and we trust our feelings, we can negotiate the world in a healthy way that supports our talents and gifts. And we can be aware of what is going on around us so that we can sense danger, trust that feeling and do something to move ourselves to safety.
Our goal is then to minimize the number of triggers we have that block dealing effectively in the moment. If we teach children how to listen to and contain (or feel and sense) their emotions they will understand the messages inherent in them without acting out on them (throwing tantrums, hitting, etc.). If we respect the messages we receive through our own feelings, we teach our children to do the same.
It is important for us and our children to learn to be comfortable with the discomfort of our feelings; to be in our bodies and to be curious about how we feel; to let the feeling be in the body; to notice the sensations that go along with the emotion; where is it in the body and what is the sensation like—is it a fluttering in the stomach? Nausea? Tension? What does this emotion mean to us? What need is unmet? When you get out of your head and allow the emotions and sensations to be in the body, clarity and insight often arises regarding the situation. Once you learn this, teach your children to do the same. This insures that negative beliefs won’t get stuck, for it is when we resist our feelings that they cause problems later.
Obviously we will not be perfect parents. We will lose our tempers. We will attempt to control our children. We will make mistakes. When we do we can make sure that we talk with our children about what has occurred and how they feel about it, sharing with them the source of our own trigger and its impact. We can help them clear negative beliefs that are stuck. We can clear our own blocking beliefs so that we can let go and be loving and watch our children develop and blossom into the beautiful beings they are.